


Reasons

by laurensfics



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Depressing, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:23:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5416973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurensfics/pseuds/laurensfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some people depressive episodes seeped through, like a crack slowly leaking water, eventually drowning the person. For Gavin he shattered all at once. One bad day, a bad comment, too much built up and the sheer reminder of all his self-hate just seemed to run into him, sending him into confusion and pain and overall anguish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reasons

For some people depressive episodes seeped through, like a crack slowly leaking water, eventually drowning the person. For Gavin he shattered all at once. One bad day, a bad comment, too much built up and the sheer reminder of all his self-hate just seemed to run into him, sending him into confusion and pain and overall anguish. 

The day started well. He woke up to his phone going off, a good morning text from Geoff. ‘Morning buddy. Get your ass in gear, the rest of us are almost ready to pick you up’ and a kissy emoji following the words. The rest of the gang had moved into Geoff’s house, or regularly slept over, but Gavin had needed space, needed more time. 

But he got up, happily smiling as he made coffee and got ready for the day. He settled on his porch after 10 minutes, waiting for his boys to pick him up. Gavin looked up, calmly watching the dark sky slowly grow lighter, pinks and oranges lighting up the sky. Gavin felt at peace.

But then Geoff honked his horn and he went inside the car, kissing Michael, Jack, Ray and Geoff good morning.  
“Where’s Rye-bread?” Gavin asked noticing the lack of a boyfriend. 

“He didn’t sleep over last night, he’s meeting us at work.” Ray informed resting his head on Gavin’s shoulder already falling back asleep. Gavin smiled contently, resting his head on Ray’s, eyes closed in silent serenity. The rest of the ride was quiet, everyone too tired to talk but the comfortable silence calmed everyone. 

But work was hell. 

It was one of those days where Gavin decided to be adventurous, to play on the edge and see how far he could push his boyfriends, specifically Ryan and Michael. Of course they recorded a GTA heist that day though. 

“God fucking damn it Gavin! Fucking control yourself, you fuck!” Michael yelled as he killed Gavin in game. Yeah, maybe Gavin shouldn’t have accidentally dropped a sticky bomb on all the vehicles and planes they set up before recording for the last 15 minutes, but it was totally an accident. The rest of the room groaned, dreading the impending next half hour where they’d have to get all the shit they need for the heist ready again. 

And Gavin really did feel bad! He really didn’t mean it, but he seemed to be out of it today, maybe not fully there. His eyes fell downcast, feeling truly guilty. 

“Fucking, Gavin just go wait outside while we do this okay?” that was Geoff. 

Gavin’s eyes widened and he turned sharply to stare at Geoff. They were sending him out? Why? 

“Listen we just don’t want to have to redo this a third time. You just kind of destroy everything you touch. Come on buddy dont give me that look.” 

But Gavin was already out if the door. If they wanted him out, fine, he’d go out. Gavin rushed to Joel and Adam’s office, really needing to be cheered up, and those two’s banter always made him feel better. 

15 minutes later and a hurt tummy from laughing so hard, Gavin returned to the AH office. He was ready to get to work, to finally start recording and have a good time with his boyfriends. But that also didn’t happen. 

For the whole recording his boyfriends just blatantly ignored his antics that would usually etch a smile on their faces, they shot him down at every suggestion or comment. Ryan literally shot him when he was driving the two of them to the ‘safe house’ at the end of the heist when Gavin was happily talking about how surprising it was that they all survived. But then Ryan shot him, forcing Gavin to be quiet and stop talking. He watched in silent turmoil as he saw Ryan’s character pull Gavin dead body out of the car and sigh in relief stating “That feels good, he hasn’t shut up all fuckin’ day.” 

Gavin tensed, they wanted him to shut up all day? The laughs and giggles that echoed throughout the room confirmed so. A pang went through Gavin’s chest, like it was constructing on itself, air was suddenly thicker, but he swallowed down the hurt and continued on. Even at the end of the heist Gavin didn’t talk, not wanting to annoy his boyfriends further. 

No one bothered Gavin the rest of the day, mistaking his silence for focus as he edited. And somehow that made it worse. They really did want Gavin to just shut up. So he did. He paid careful attention though, no one gave him worrisome glances at his silence, no one got up to ask him if he wanted anything, it seemed like they were properly angry. So at the near end of the day, when Geoff asked him if he needed a ride home, he declined quickly not wanting to sit through a tense car ride full of his annoyed boyfriends. 

Once he was sure everyone left he saved all his work and began walking home. His house wasn’t far, maybe 5 blocks away from the office.  
As soon as he got inside his house he went in search of his speakers, immediately turning on loud angry music to full blast. This was how he coped, he sat in the couch knees pulled up, arms wrapped securely around them as he zoned out, lost in thoughts from the day. But as one song came on he realized how depressed be was. 

His boyfriends hated him, he deserved to be hated. All these insecurities ran through his head. 

Why do I deserve to live?

Does anyone even like me?

Why am I fuckin alive right now?

It crashed, he shattered. Suddenly he got up, tears streaming down his face silently. He didn’t want anyone to hear him, he’d be quiet if that’s what his boyfriends wanted. He wasn’t thinking clearly, lost in thought as he moved on autopilot. 

When Gavin realized what was happening he had a bottle of his ex’s nail polish remover in hand, uncapped and centimeter away from his lips. He read during a really bad episode that drinking nail polish remover would kill someone, it’d do it slowly too then all at once. The acetone would burn his throat, cutting off his air before it would kill him. 

But did he really want to do this? His hands shook. He couldn’t find a reason not to. He searched for a reason, one goddamn reason why he shouldn’t do it but he couldn’t come up with any. So he pulled up his phone and called the number he knew would pick up.  
“Hey Vav, what’s up?” 

Gavin let out a small breathe as he heard Ray’s calm voice. 

“I-I need something from you X-Ray. I just want one okay? I don’t want a long lecture or anything I just need a reason.” 

“Hold on Gav, is this important? I’m in the middle of kicking Ryan’s ass in Halo. If you give me like two minutes I can call ya back?” 

Gavin was wrong. “N-no, no. I-I’m good. Don’t bother alright.” He swallowed thickly. “Just wanted you all to know that… that I love you all okay?” 

There was a pause. “Gav, are you okay? Give me an answer.” 

“I-I’m totally fine X-Ray.” his voice broke in the middle of the sentence and he sniffed by accident. 

“Are you crying? Gavin what’s going on? Don’t worry I’m getting Jack were going to be there soon.”

A sob racked through Gavin, broken. “Ray you’re not listening to me. I need a reason.” 

“What are you talking about? Just sit tight alright were on our way, give us 10 minutes. Stay on the phone with me Gavin ok-“ 

But Gavin ended the call. He needed a fuckin reason to live. He couldn’t find one, Ray couldn’t give him one. What’s holding him back?  
With shaky hands Gavin grabbed the nail polish remover. His mind shot through every insult that every seemed to be shot at him. ‘stupid, idiotic, dumb, ugly, disgusting, annoying, loud, unlovable, broken’. 

He brought the bottle to his line on vision, wondering how this pink liquid would be able to kill him. How just three gulps of this would be able to deliver one last pang of pain before he died. He crawled to the door of his bathroom, closing and locking it slowly. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. He chuckled to himself. How cliché. The slo-mo guy going out in slow motion. 

All of a sudden, loud footsteps pounded throughout his house. He guessed the found the extra key. Gavin crawled away from the door silently, god he was so silent, and leaned against the wall and slowly uncapped the bottle. The smell of the acetone burned is nose, putrid and beautiful. 

A pounding on the door stopped him momentarily. 

“Gavin? Gav, you in there? Why is this locked?” it was Jack. Gavin didn’t say anything. ‘that feels good, he hasn’t shut up all fuckin day’. Gavin’s throat closed, he couldn’t swallow, he couldn’t speak. The pounding continued, they figured out he was in there he guessed.  
He listened to his voices of his boyfriends, all saying that he should live, but there weren’t fuckin reasons. He needed reasons.  
But without wasting another minute of his useless life Gavin chugged the bottle. With his last energy he hurled it at the door, his throat burned, like the website said. 

“I needed a reason.” He said before he felt his stomach turn. The corners of his eyesight seemed to darken. His eyes slipped closed, the pain in the throat and stomach was unbearable. But before he lost his vision completely he saw the door burst open with a bang and his boyfriends rush in.  
-  
When Gavin awoke, it wasn’t like in the movies. He knew where he was, he knew he was alive, he knew he failed. His eyes slowly opened, the light burning his eyes, but he didn’t care. He saw Geoff and Ray on either side of him, asleep and holding his hands. He sighted, disappointed. He failed at living, he failed at dying, what else is there for him to do? 

At his sigh Ray’s eyes shot open. “Gav.” His voice was soft, disappointed. 

Gavin looked away, he couldn’t meet Ray’s dark brown eyes. Ray sighted as he shook Geoff. Geoff’s eyes opened slowly, but they grew as he saw Gavin awake. Gavin wouldn’t look at him either, the older man was probably just as disappointed in Gavin that Ray was.  
“I’ll get a nurse.” Geoff said before walking about, trying to flag down a nurse. 

Ray and Gavin sat in silence for a few seconds before he grabbed Gavin’s hand again. 

“Gav, what happened?” 

He didn’t have an answer, he wasn’t even sure. 

“I-” But before he could even try to explain his throat wouldn’t make the noise, it felt like sandpaper lined his throat. Ray got up and handed him a cup of water. It was warm, it didn’t do much because when Gavin tried talking again nothing would come out.  
The two sat in silence, and Gavin could help thinking that this is what he deserved. Ryan and the rest wanted him to shut up, they wouldn’t be annoyed by his voice anymore. 

But then the nurse came in and forced Ray out, saying how she had to run some tests to make sure Gavin was okay. He was totally not okay. 

The nurse explained how he wouldn’t be able to talk for a few weeks, how the acetone really did a number on him. Not enough though. She was nice, patient and her voice was sweet, Amanda was her name. 

After the tests she asked him if he wanted his boyfriends to come in. When he hesitated she said she could send one in at a time. But Gavin still hesitated. She signed before coming back to his bed, sitting on the edge. He gave her a confused look before she started to talk.  
“Listen, I may not be a therapist or really fully understand the dating multiple people thing works, but I know that you have 5 wonderful worried boyfriends out there. All of which are pretty handsome. Boys aren’t my cup of tea, but I know a good face when I see one.” She smiled as Gavin let out a wheezed chuckle.

“You don’t have to see them right now, but you shouldn’t ignore them. It’s not healthy for you to hold everything inside, and from what I’ve heard they should have listened to you a bit more. But no relation is perfect, they can’t expect you to be perfect and you can’t expect them to read your mind.” She stood up, nearing the door. 

“I’m going to send in the one with blue eyes and black hair first.” She opened the door and took a step out, but she turned around, “I heard you kept asking for a reason to live. Well, there are five sitting in this hallway not 5 feet away.” 

Gavin could only smile in thanks. She smiled back before she closed the door and walked out. 

Geoff rushed in a minute later, he held him close and kissed his forehead and neck and nose. 

“I swear if you do that to me again I’m going to have a heart attack.” Geoff smiled at Gavin. “The roses in spring, the sunsets in the morning, the constellations at midnight, long nights watching movies, cuddles, buttery popcorn, bonfires, blue skies, bright days, thunderstorms, when it drizzles, the first snow of the winter, lights on houses, our sex is incredible!” 

With every reason Geoff gave Gavin to live, Gavin felt his arms tighten around Geoff’s waist. He couldn’t let go, he wouldn’t let go.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I maybe have used person experiences in this and I may or may not be projecting… a lot.


End file.
